Expertise

I often feel like I should be doing more with my life. I want to do more. Depression sets in if I overthink needing to do more activities or being more involved in life.

I started feeling unwell when I was in college. It may have even been before that, but I really noticed it at that time. I was getting headaches and stomach aches. I was not sleeping well. Anxiety, a doctor said. Sure, fine... They put me on a happy pill which helped the symptoms a little, but not really. I tried everything, from books to yoga to deep breathing to meditation. I believed the doctors. I also knew that I was stressed from a bad relationship and being away from home.

Eventually I got away from the bad relationship. I did not feel as anxious. And, because of the relationship I did not get my teaching degree, only a BA. I gained experience in retail and data entry and eventually IT and databases.

As time wore on my other symtoms grew worse. I still had trouble sleeping and eating. I had headaches. I was told it was still anxiety or grief. This was starting to not sit well with me, but doctors were not listening. They would try an allergy med for my sinuses and that was it.

Evetually, after about 6 or 7 doctors, I started not trusting them. They were not listening and I was getting more relief doing exercises I found online. Chiropracty was helping at least. It was taking me years to diagnose myself, but I was learning that it was not just anxiety... It was TMJ and migraines and bruxism (yay for the dentist). But, I could not afford a specialist...

Now, 15 years later, I have all of this knowledge about my health but not much work expertise, no family of my own. And most of all, no formal diagnosis, except the dentist, because I am broke. I had to quit my job in the middle of all of that because my health had gotten to a point where I could not eat very well, had jaw pain and had a hard time concentrating. I used my savings on those 6 or 7 doctors and my move back to my home state.

Now, I want to be able and be involved in life. I wish I could have a family. I wish I could have a job again. But, l make due. I do my best. That is my expertise: doing my best. I would rather something in science or history... But such is life. 

I have learned many technical things on the job before, held several jobs in fact, for a while. I even managed an IT department. Not to mention my volunteer work, writing, and photography. I shouldn't sell myself short. But, as of now I feel helpless because of my body.

I will keep trying to take care of myself and be a good person. I hope I can be more than that, eventually. I miss my life.

Daily Log: An Update

Here we are, day 52. I honestly can't believe I have kept this log going for this long. I did this as an experiment to see how society, and I, changed over time during this pandemic.

 I am currently taking a break from posting, however I am still writing my log. I find it interesting. I am curious to see the difference between me posting and not posting what I have written. I will keep going with this experiment, either online or offline. I will know soon.

I hope everyone is safe and healthy.

Edit: I have decided to quit the online daily log for now. I am going to pick a day and do weekly reports instead, in a more formatted way. Less of a daily log and more like an essay on life. I will be removing some of my less interesting daily logs, in favor of a "best of" list.

Thank you for reading along as we all figure this global pandemic out together.

Day 46: April 27th, 2020

Day 46

Today is a rest day. I still have a bad migraine. I am listening to music and resting most of the day. The things I need to do are nagging at me, but I know I will get them done. I should not stress over them.

I stretched quite a bit today. It feels good to get a good stretch. I made sure to stretch my arms and shoulders against a wall because I have not been moving them as much as normal.

I feel like the rest and attention to what I needed such as the stretching, really helped me today. 

Day 44: April 25th, 2020

Day 44

Tense this morning and so I listened to calming music.

I am kind of excited to work on my project and it almost over shadows my fears this morning, though I am back to being scared of getting sick. I watched videos last night of people with a rare disease where they rapidly age. It gave me some perspective. I am alive and I need to be thankful for that.

I worked on my rain mobile most of today, after doing chores. I have it hanging outside on the balcony. I like how it turned out, very rainy.

When I took the trash out, the bag broke and I had to go back up to my apartment to get a second bag. I cleaned up what spilled and doubled bagged it. Then I washed up, because... Yeah.

I watched some tv the rest of the night. I watched After Life. I won't get into details but it was not great yet I still watched most of it because some of the actors were funny.

I think both my boyfriend and I have stress hangovers. We both feel exhausted today. I have a headache. 

Listened to calming music again to get to sleep.

Day 43: April 24th, 2020

Day 43

Woke stressed about the car. I do not think I have had to file a claim before. I've been lucky and I didn't need to drive much for a few years.

It is weird filing a claim right now. My insurance had no one manning the phones. The website was not as helpful as I had hoped, but I was able to figure out what to do with  help. 

I will take my car in at some point, I guess. This is just another thing to add to my growing list. 

I still have a migraine today. I feel like crying, but I won't. 

Challenged my boyfriend to make something out of an item out of the recycle bin. He is making a chandelier out of beer bottles and I am making a rain mobile from a plastic jug. We are using the craft supplies that we already have.

I feel a bit better after painting. Today was not a great day mentally, for reasons won't get into the details of. But, I had a ptsd episode.

The rest of the night was spent crafting or watching youtube silliness.

I definitely needed calming music tonight.