Expertise

I often feel like I should be doing more with my life. I want to do more. Depression sets in if I overthink needing to do more activities or being more involved in life.

I started feeling unwell when I was in college. It may have even been before that, but I really noticed it at that time. I was getting headaches and stomach aches. I was not sleeping well. Anxiety, a doctor said. Sure, fine... They put me on a happy pill which helped the symptoms a little, but not really. I tried everything, from books to yoga to deep breathing to meditation. I believed the doctors. I also knew that I was stressed from a bad relationship and being away from home.

Eventually I got away from the bad relationship. I did not feel as anxious. And, because of the relationship I did not get my teaching degree, only a BA. I gained experience in retail and data entry and eventually IT and databases.

As time wore on my other symtoms grew worse. I still had trouble sleeping and eating. I had headaches. I was told it was still anxiety or grief. This was starting to not sit well with me, but doctors were not listening. They would try an allergy med for my sinuses and that was it.

Evetually, after about 6 or 7 doctors, I started not trusting them. They were not listening and I was getting more relief doing exercises I found online. Chiropracty was helping at least. It was taking me years to diagnose myself, but I was learning that it was not just anxiety... It was TMJ and migraines and bruxism (yay for the dentist). But, I could not afford a specialist...

Now, 15 years later, I have all of this knowledge about my health but not much work expertise, no family of my own. And most of all, no formal diagnosis, except the dentist, because I am broke. I had to quit my job in the middle of all of that because my health had gotten to a point where I could not eat very well, had jaw pain and had a hard time concentrating. I used my savings on those 6 or 7 doctors and my move back to my home state.

Now, I want to be able and be involved in life. I wish I could have a family. I wish I could have a job again. But, l make due. I do my best. That is my expertise: doing my best. I would rather something in science or history... But such is life. 

I have learned many technical things on the job before, held several jobs in fact, for a while. I even managed an IT department. Not to mention my volunteer work, writing, and photography. I shouldn't sell myself short. But, as of now I feel helpless because of my body.

I will keep trying to take care of myself and be a good person. I hope I can be more than that, eventually. I miss my life.

Daily Log: An Update

Here we are, day 52. I honestly can't believe I have kept this log going for this long. I did this as an experiment to see how society, and I, changed over time during this pandemic.

 I am currently taking a break from posting, however I am still writing my log. I find it interesting. I am curious to see the difference between me posting and not posting what I have written. I will keep going with this experiment, either online or offline. I will know soon.

I hope everyone is safe and healthy.

Edit: I have decided to quit the online daily log for now. I am going to pick a day and do weekly reports instead, in a more formatted way. Less of a daily log and more like an essay on life. I will be removing some of my less interesting daily logs, in favor of a "best of" list.

Thank you for reading along as we all figure this global pandemic out together.