Day 109, June 29, 2020

Day 109

I sit here listening to the large construction project next door. The earth movers are back. I think the siding is up on most of the buildings. Maybe this is a sign that they are getting close to the end.

The covid numbers keep going up in my state and all over the country. There is a solution, but a large group of people are ignorantly fighting the solution. 

"I'm being anti-racist." "I want to apologize for my past." "They should be fired." "It is a diversion!" The BLM movement online is filled with arguements and statements that many cannot agree on. I think it is a process. A messy process, because it is an explosive movement, just like me too/time's up. 

Anyway, wasn't it Black voices we white people should be lifting up? And here we are fighting amongst ourselves.

I am deciding to be less vocal. I try to speak what I believe is reasonable and I usually am ignored and at worst called names. Not to say there is not some support and agreement, however... It is better to speak with actions and, to listen.

So, I am taking a twitter break. More time for processing news, listening, reading, exercise, volunteering and other things.

Photo of The Day, Week of June 21, 2020

A photography project in which I take (at least one) photo a day with my Sony A7 and a single lens. This week I used the Pentax SMC 28mm f3.5 manual focus lens from the late 1970s. This lens is very sharp with beautifully smooth bokeh. There is a bit of a swirl, from light distortion, to the bokeh at longer distances, but it is not distracting.

June 22

June 23

June 24

June 25

June 26

June 27

photos copyright 2020 L. A. Miller

Getting through

Personally, I was pretty prepared, on many levels for life during a pandemic. Of course there were a few adjustments such as cleaning, pandemic hygiene, and being creative with food. But, I know a few things that have helped greatly such as how to stay fit, how to stay mentally occupied, how to destress, any a few other things that have help.

For excersise, I found that squats and calf raises (near) daily are extremely important when stuck inside. They engage your feet, legs, buttocks and core if I do them correctly. They are excellent exercises to do even in a top floor apartment. I feel much better when I do them regularly.

Also, stretch! I keep thinking back to all the stretches I learned in elementary school. I mean yoga is great and all. But, those generic stretches work wonders from sitting all day.

I also walk, but not as often as I would like. Neighborhood walks are good for mental and physical health. I walk when I feel stressed or tense and it helps me feel better.

For activities, I want to play video games or watch tv when I am bored. They are easy and don't cause me pain to do. But, I feel better if I make a to-do list of things I need to do and projects I want to do eventually. That way I can slowly work through the list inbetween mindless activities.

Also, reading and writing. These activities do not hurt, unless one has a migraine. Reading and writing engage the brain and make me feel productive. As do other hobbies like photography, drawing, painting, building mechanical objects or repairing old items. Accomplishing something makes me feel like I did something productive and so even working on a project feels good.

Stress is still an issue. I mean, have y'all seen the news lately? I have listened to so much calming music lately. Instrumental music that is usually in a major key and as slow as 70 bmp is perfect. If you do not like the calming music on youtube, try Bach, Brahms, Beethoven, or Handel.

Lastly, get outside or look outside everyday. This is important. There are birds and trees and flowers. The seasons are slowly changing. Nature is beautiful. And, I need my vitamin D. Eating healthy and getting the right vitamins are helpful for a good immune system.

Expertise

I often feel like I should be doing more with my life. I want to do more. Depression sets in if I overthink needing to do more activities or being more involved in life.

I started feeling unwell when I was in college. It may have even been before that, but I really noticed it at that time. I was getting headaches and stomach aches. I was not sleeping well. Anxiety, a doctor said. Sure, fine... They put me on a happy pill which helped the symptoms a little, but not really. I tried everything, from books to yoga to deep breathing to meditation. I believed the doctors. I also knew that I was stressed from a bad relationship and being away from home.

Eventually I got away from the bad relationship. I did not feel as anxious. And, because of the relationship I did not get my teaching degree, only a BA. I gained experience in retail and data entry and eventually IT and databases.

As time wore on my other symtoms grew worse. I still had trouble sleeping and eating. I had headaches. I was told it was still anxiety or grief. This was starting to not sit well with me, but doctors were not listening. They would try an allergy med for my sinuses and that was it.

Evetually, after about 6 or 7 doctors, I started not trusting them. They were not listening and I was getting more relief doing exercises I found online. Chiropracty was helping at least. It was taking me years to diagnose myself, but I was learning that it was not just anxiety... It was TMJ and migraines and bruxism (yay for the dentist). But, I could not afford a specialist...

Now, 15 years later, I have all of this knowledge about my health but not much work expertise, no family of my own. And most of all, no formal diagnosis, except the dentist, because I am broke. I had to quit my job in the middle of all of that because my health had gotten to a point where I could not eat very well, had jaw pain and had a hard time concentrating. I used my savings on those 6 or 7 doctors and my move back to my home state.

Now, I want to be able and be involved in life. I wish I could have a family. I wish I could have a job again. But, l make due. I do my best. That is my expertise: doing my best. I would rather something in science or history... But such is life. 

I have learned many technical things on the job before, held several jobs in fact, for a while. I even managed an IT department. Not to mention my volunteer work, writing, and photography. I shouldn't sell myself short. But, as of now I feel helpless because of my body.

I will keep trying to take care of myself and be a good person. I hope I can be more than that, eventually. I miss my life.

Daily Log: An Update

Here we are, day 52. I honestly can't believe I have kept this log going for this long. I did this as an experiment to see how society, and I, changed over time during this pandemic.

 I am currently taking a break from posting, however I am still writing my log. I find it interesting. I am curious to see the difference between me posting and not posting what I have written. I will keep going with this experiment, either online or offline. I will know soon.

I hope everyone is safe and healthy.

Edit: I have decided to quit the online daily log for now. I am going to pick a day and do weekly reports instead, in a more formatted way. Less of a daily log and more like an essay on life. I will be removing some of my less interesting daily logs, in favor of a "best of" list.

Thank you for reading along as we all figure this global pandemic out together.